Montana: Big Sky Country

Wow, good job Courtney. Two posts in two days. I'm not sure what Courtney's doing because she is sounding way too excited for the normal travel season that I'm accustomed to. I'll have what she's having, know what I'm saying? What's your secret? If Corban was my wife, travel season would be the killing giant spiders, doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom part of our relationship. It's something you have to do but it's because you love your Corban and you want to see Corban happy.

Montana. I've been here for five days now and I thought why don't I finally blog and tell you how it's been going. These aren't necessarily the highlights; however, these are the stories I can remember at this time. I'm sure I'll tell you more when I get back.

The flights. So I flew from Portland to Seattle and then from Seattle to Kalispell, MT. First off, I was in the front row of the flight from Portland on a tiny plane where I had to give my consent to helping out if there was an emergency. Plus, because I was in the front, I was 26 inches from the stewardess whenever she's sitting down. Now that may not sound like a bad thing but go and sit facing someone 26 inches away and tell me that's not uncomfortable. It got really weird when she was giving a free credit card promotional speech while she stared into my soul. Now I'm not going to just ignore her, it feels like she's talking to me specifically. So there I was. Looking straight into her eyes, with an occasional smile, as she stared right back telling all of us about the free miles we could earn. after that lovely experience, I made it to Seattle.

On the flight from Seattle to Kalispell. The stewardess listed all of the appropriate carry on items for the plane  like backpack, purse, small luggage piece, etc. but what I thought was interesting is she mentioned specifically that it is okay to bring your "European Man Bag" on the plane. Well, you can imagine how relieved I was to hear this. Thank you stewardess. Ill be sure to pack my feather boa and glitter chapstick next time as well.

Rich Old People are the worst. There I said it. I don't know what happened with some people where they believe that all rules don't apply to them. Here's what I have to say. If you're old...you're not automatically endearing...you need to have a couple qualities such as a simple disposition. A smile here and there. An unsuspecting "I'm lost" persona. These are endearing. Wearing cargo shorts hiked up to your navel with white socks up the calves and a visor for the lady only accompany a snobby attitude that belongs on a yacht only but not in public. Okay, here's the story. Getting on the plane, I let these two older people ahead of me and they say thank you as they turn away but they obviously expected me to let them in line. Then as we are scanning our boarding passes. The older gentleman seems confused that his GIANT duffle bag is too big for carry on. This bag is big enough to fit a person and he acts like the checker is insane because she tells him it needs to be checked. The airport tells you over and over again about the bag limitations...how did this get confusing. So, he begins to start walking through the terminal when the checker finally says okay, we'll find a place for it. Now I'm thinking no! That's just what he wants. Then his wife has three bags and she says she can't consolidate to two carry on items! Ahhhh! I wanted to jump in and say sorry granny! Rules are rules! But I didn't.

I don't know what it is about Montana but within one hour of being in the state I heard this phrase "I'm busier than a one-legged man in a fanny kickin contest." I'm not sure why people don't just say "I'm busy" but hey, Montanans probably wonder why we wear skinny jeans.

Driving. I was driving and saw a billboard for State Farm Insurance that said "For when you get buffalo'd." I'm not sure if this a joke or not, but needless to say I'm keeping an eye out for any buffalo.

I also saw a billboard that said "Testical Festival." I'll let that sink in for a second. It caught me completely off guard so I tried to do a double take four times but all I could figure out was this: there 
was a cartoon bull on the billboard next to it and he seemed to be very angry. I don't know if the bull 
was angry because he lost his or if he still had them. Oh, and I'm too scared to google it and find out.

It wouldn't be travel season without the GPS taking you to a Ford dealership instead of your hotel or taking you to a plot of rocks instead of a giant high school. All I can say, is thank you Mr. iPad man. Between the two of them, they are a lifesaver. 

Irony. I thought this was kind of ironic in a morbid way. So, I'm driving on a freeway which is four lanes across and the speed limit is 75. Two girls on bikes are looking back and forth from another road that feeds into the freeway trying to get across. You know what's at the corner of the road and freeway? Three crosses adorned with flowers and wreaths, apparently where three individuals had been killed. See the irony? Moral of the story is don't try to cross a freeway without a crosswalk...and don't ignore three crosses.

Casinos are like water in Montana. I counted five on one street. Everything is a casino or has a casino attached to it. It's literally crazy. Much to my surprise I visited two, and spent hours inside them, while down here. You know why? Two of my hotels were casinos. Yay!!! You know the type of people that are drawn to casinos? Not the older rich folks I talked about earlier, people who like alcohol and like a lot of it! Needless to say, I wasnt too pleased about that. At least I'll be prepared for next year. Actually one of my hotels had a pool and casino on the main floor and then all of the rooms were facing the "party". It was interesting and I'm still alive, but it wasn't great. Plus it was kind of sad to see a lot of the people gambling who didn't look like they had a whole lot to begin with. 

While visiting one school, I asked them what they knew about Oregon and you know what the response was? "everyone drives a Honda Civic there." then the class laughed and I couldn't disagree with him. Everyone seems to own a truck here, so I fit in great with my rental Nissan Sentra.

My very first visit, I walk into the main office and one lady says to me, you know Daren? I say Daren Milionis? She says yes, tell him I say hi. Before I begin to wonder if Daren has families stashed all around the country I remembered that he has family in Montana, whew! But he does have quite a fan club over here. Daren's like the Wayne Newton of Montana.

I did have a close call and it really shook me up a little. For everyone in travel right now, stay aware. 
It happened Tuesday afternoon and I was on my third hour driving. All of the highways n Montana have a 75 mph speed limit. So we were going about 80 and the highway was just a two lane highway. One lane going north and one going south. There's not a whole lot of traffic in Montana, so it's often just a couple of you on the road at a time. Anyways, something happened where I thought the yellow dashes between the lanes were white dashes. I'm thinking it may have been the sun which whitened the color a little. Anyways, I was driving in the on-coming traffic lane just taking my sweet time when I see a car in the distance coming at me which shocks me into consciousness and become aware of whats happening. The only thing I can think of is gunning it and trying to shoot the gap. Well, something amazing happened and i honestly think an angel intervened because for no apparent reason the car I was trying to get in front of went on the shoulder of the road and I went right in between both cars completely unharmed. It was pretty crazy and could have been really ugly at 80 mph. Anyways, God kept me safe but it was a close call. 

So I visited this one school that really made me laugh. So it was a building without a sign, seriously. 
There were about eight cars on a gravel road. I walked in and it was a couple rooms and a big room. 
When I say big room, it was probably as big as the Emitte Center. Anyways I'm in a place where 
there is about 15 plastic chairs and 5 kindergarten plastic chairs, you know the ones I'm talking about.
 Anyways there is  a pulpit where the receptionist tells me to set up. The room is partitioned off 
with cubicle dividers and there are some kids on the other side not saying a word. Next thing I hear is it's time to go over to the chapel where 12 students saunter as a herd over to me. The chapel is one 
side of the room. 12 students, all in uniforms, sit down and stare at me. There is a podium, and the ten commandments...along with 10 posters, each highlighting one commandment. No windows. Now, I 
start thinking they may not get any of my pop culture references or jokes. They all don't speak. I got 
them to smile and talk once in a while, but it was like Corban was still probably the most liberal school they have ever heard of. They were great students but it was like I was stuck in the Little House on the Prairie and I was John Boy. I'll leave you with my favorite part of the visit. When I asked " who's a junior?" they responded "She's gone." 

Well, I miss you all a lot and I'm excited to be back in the office on Monday!